questionable

i stayed home today from school
and i slept the longest i have ever slept
and i woke up at 3 in the afternoon
wanting to know what i had done the nights before
or even the morning before

i do not yet understand why i do these things
why i let people in when i never should
or let them back in

it is the point that i am here
and they will want me to be there till i am tore
or till they think that i have disappeared
but i am never in control of this
even if i made the decision, i am still not the one to do the doings

the doings are caused by the wantings
and i am never in their wantings

i just want to see what i need to see
and i want all of this to feel right

the point of my leaving is right
the point of me right now... here is not right
so i lay and i wake
and i ask myself

why am i still standing still
why can i not speak the truth
and why are you getting in my way

i need to be independent instead of relying on you
i figuring this
i will be forgotten by you, in weeks, months, years
and remind me i will be far away and you will still be here

your not even worth writing all of this down
and trying to make sense of it
but i am at the bottom and i am tired and unable to eat

because of these thoughts you pour into my head

goodbye to the questions
and hello to the answers


"self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change."
- Stephen Convey

dretched in white

an outting happened yesterday,
that only happens once a year
and because my year is coming to an end, i attend
with a boy of dark skin and a beautiful face

i was dressed in a long dark, purple dress with ruffles on the top
he, had a black suit on and a white shirt that opened his face
we pictured it, and we took pictures

in these pictures, you only saw the excitment in our eyes
and also in our bodies
but these were the reasons of ectasy
reasons of love, no doubt and pureness

we could not eat any of the food
but he loved the chicken we got served
we were untouchable but we touched every second we could
playing with my hair, tracing my spine, tasting my lips

listen and think when i say
it all comes to an end

we sit by the fire at home
and smoke the harshest of cigerattes
and consumed all the rum we possibly could
the conversation was flawless and never ending
we talked of your country and i spoke in silence
we poured gasoline into the fire to keep it lasting
only wishing we could last
i was not allowed to talk of my year ending or where i was going
i only said we will be okay

we went to the bed at the early hours of the morning
and we kissed, we touched our soft skin
we made it all last
til the moment ended by us closing our eyes and dipping into oblivion

i will miss this all
as much as i say i will not
but the truth is real, and i have not become real yet