day two

i keep getting this feeling inside me that i used to get when i used drugs
its comes when i feel trapped or consumed
i feel it in my throat and i feel it in my hazy eyes
the haziness comes through the corner of my eyes and makes everything dimmed
i got it on the plane today flying into cusco

i don't know why this is so hard for me to do
or why it makes me feel tired
i never knew that it was normal to not do something that a person wanted to do

it is time for me to get away from this feeling
i keep praying to something, my god i guess
and asking to be okay

but when i start to walk to streets
it comes back and i am paralyzed

i want to rip out of the place that i am in
and i want to tear my body and mind apart
that is not normal

i keep looking for something to pick me up
i drink and starts again
i smoke and i feel it coming on
i become sober and it still lingers in my cigeratte

it tinkles my thoughts
and makes me heavy
my eyes become large and wander everywhere
as if i am insane

i regret these drugs
because they are still inside of me
and i feel like there is no way outside of them

i can look around and see what i see
and i close my eyes and see you face and then i am okay

but your face is so far away now
because i am far away
what is there to lose
i thought i did enough
i thought i could make it through all of this

but it is so hard
and i am so stuck inside myself it is not funny

my words are not even poetic anymore
and that is what scares me the most

i can not make a sentence without being scared of what it may say
or maybe not even say, if i could say anything

i miss many things
that i can not have back
and i let myself sit there and wait or it to come back
it never does
and i am sad for that

i cry alot more lately
or at least feel like crying
i look different and i feel competely different
the thing is though
i can not go back to the place i used to live
because nothing that i left will be there
or even be the same

and i hate that
i hate the change a person has to go through
i hate not having the power to pause perfect moments or even a millions moments

when we laid under the covers and laughed til 4am
and you played wit my hair, and holding in the i love you
so it would not hurt as much as we thought it would
i miss the sand color of your face
and the perfect complextion
how the bugs loved your blood and would suck on you until you wanted to cry
i loved how you tried to start a fire but it wouldnt work until we poured the gasoline on it, but hat was the best part seeing evreything glowing for a moment
and we wanted to pause because we wanted to see each other forever that way

if i talk about this stuff i am okay then
but my mind hurts when i try to think back to you
i know i know i know, i will always have you

day one

the first day to be in peru
and it is the first day that i dont want to admit that i dont want to be here
but i feel like i should just stay
see where i will go with this revision

i dont know
it is the first time that i find that i have nothing to say outloud
only to say in my mind
and it is a rapid conversation going on that no one can see
the cafes and the beers keep me quiet for the time being
but what will keep me quiet for the rest of the year
i think it is normal to be scared
but i dont think it is normal to say you cant do this
maybe i am just scared

i never thought i would have to put a pause to my future but that is how it is becoming
i miss everyone and everything
i regret getting close to you
because you are all i want to see on the streets
but i never have seen you just yet
im still waiting
i wasted my innocent time
and i wasted my mind on you

i want to go home
and i want to feel safe
i am safe
and i know i can make this into my home
but it is going to take too long
where am i going after this

the music reminds me that i do not know
and i will not know
maybe it is because it is just the first day
and i am already homesick
but i want to be strong and okay
i wasted my parents money and my parents loss
but i lost my everything

and i need to find what i need
and who i am
before i can complain,right?

questionable

i stayed home today from school
and i slept the longest i have ever slept
and i woke up at 3 in the afternoon
wanting to know what i had done the nights before
or even the morning before

i do not yet understand why i do these things
why i let people in when i never should
or let them back in

it is the point that i am here
and they will want me to be there till i am tore
or till they think that i have disappeared
but i am never in control of this
even if i made the decision, i am still not the one to do the doings

the doings are caused by the wantings
and i am never in their wantings

i just want to see what i need to see
and i want all of this to feel right

the point of my leaving is right
the point of me right now... here is not right
so i lay and i wake
and i ask myself

why am i still standing still
why can i not speak the truth
and why are you getting in my way

i need to be independent instead of relying on you
i figuring this
i will be forgotten by you, in weeks, months, years
and remind me i will be far away and you will still be here

your not even worth writing all of this down
and trying to make sense of it
but i am at the bottom and i am tired and unable to eat

because of these thoughts you pour into my head

goodbye to the questions
and hello to the answers


"self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change."
- Stephen Convey

dretched in white

an outting happened yesterday,
that only happens once a year
and because my year is coming to an end, i attend
with a boy of dark skin and a beautiful face

i was dressed in a long dark, purple dress with ruffles on the top
he, had a black suit on and a white shirt that opened his face
we pictured it, and we took pictures

in these pictures, you only saw the excitment in our eyes
and also in our bodies
but these were the reasons of ectasy
reasons of love, no doubt and pureness

we could not eat any of the food
but he loved the chicken we got served
we were untouchable but we touched every second we could
playing with my hair, tracing my spine, tasting my lips

listen and think when i say
it all comes to an end

we sit by the fire at home
and smoke the harshest of cigerattes
and consumed all the rum we possibly could
the conversation was flawless and never ending
we talked of your country and i spoke in silence
we poured gasoline into the fire to keep it lasting
only wishing we could last
i was not allowed to talk of my year ending or where i was going
i only said we will be okay

we went to the bed at the early hours of the morning
and we kissed, we touched our soft skin
we made it all last
til the moment ended by us closing our eyes and dipping into oblivion

i will miss this all
as much as i say i will not
but the truth is real, and i have not become real yet

month and a half

i am leaving soon, far away from this place
and i am worried where i will be when i get on that plane
and i am afraid you will not be there