hint

books, wine bottles, candles, beer cans under the bed, scarves of every shade, ceramic art made in art class, quotes of my favorites, "self respect goes unexpressed- i can not dream because i can not sleep" blue and one orange wall, hamper made of straw, bamboo sticks from china, old running and soccer trophies, brass bed frame, ash trays, old hiding spots for secerts, bottle caps, cds, tapes records, music, old photos, wax stuck to the floor

this is easy

for memories to come back into this cluttered room

it is easy on my mind and also for my body to move around those thoughts

i can hook onto moments that have stayed stuck, glued to my walls and that have been hung from my curtains

burn marks on my sheets have shown i was once careless. the large painted giraffe on my wall smoking a stick fills my mind when we took acid that day and i found you crying in the bathroom later with paint on your hands and as well as your face. i am unable to remember though if it was i in the bathroom or you. the wine bottles are now placed on the floor, there is no more room to fit them on my book case. i switched subjects, but eyes wandering every which way. the mind is not always easy with remembering things that have broke apart and have shattered in ones own room. but i enjoy switching to each object in this damn room. my mirror holds everything including my past figure, my past loves. we have all stared into that mirror once and we have all turned away from it. kaitlin once took a needle out and pushed it through my nose. forcing it until we heard the, pop. after the pop went the drunk but we quickly poured ourselves some whiskey and continued piercing each other. the others were on my bed passing the bowl around and bobbing their heads to music. my boyfriend walked in sipping out of the bottle of red wine and placed a kiss on my neck. he was my first love and took my innocence. my bed has never been the same since he left.i find myself sleeping in my parents bed when they are away. maybe it is guilt but we said we drink to guilt and will drown in it if we have too. so we drowned because it ended that summer when we ended up walking up those rocks hitting four hits of acid on our tongues. i remember i just wanted to lay in my bed and i wanted to feel the past in my bedroom but i was stuck, i now leave the door open. we painted my wall that summer bright orange the ugliest color orange but i wanted it, and you painted it for me. letting me sit write and drink what you brought me. we passed the joint around until the color orange looked like it was vibrating and until my writing became too strange for words. but still you made me read as loud as i could giving nods and walking over too again place and endless kiss onto my lips. when i drowned myself with my guilt, you left me. and i painted over half that wall with the color of brown. a lighter color of your skin. you visited me months laterand shook your head. telling that it does not earse what is underneath. my people walk into my room and exhae as if we all knew what happened that summer as if we are unable to let it go. but i see that i am unable to let it go, because i walk into this home and i sink, i start drowning again. and i look at you and ask when will this end. you just shook your head and again said you can not erase what is underneath.

i left it at that

outline

if i say goodbye to someone

is it, that it is an acutal goodbye

or is it left up to the future and my doings

i wonder when i say goodbye

how it give me heartache and pains

questions of how it will be if i were to see the person again

if those heartaches and pains

coming flying back, or do they just always stay

because i know a person can never stay for too long

long enough to get the heart beating and musing of how long this will be

but, if i leave

and the other is forced to say goodbye

do they ask the same question

being careful of what they give me

and conscious of their way of saying goodbye

because forever is forever

how am i suppose to say goodbye forever

if the heart is unable to see forever in a life

then, i see and i say

continue on, if they say goodbye

it is a goodbye

never think, when will be the next hello

i plan and dream

of all those next hellos'

but, planning makes it less true and reliable

i believe i will sit and muse

for the rest of my forever

worn

creases of the eyes, creases of the mind

silence in-between the over used words coming out of the tired mouth

moving of the bones, and the tight of the skin

pulling back, and holding a little too tight

uneasiness of the stares and the unexplainable wordless words

less of a strain when it comes to the end of the night

and more of a strain when it becomes the morning

in the motionless moves, in the movement of oneself

is when it becomes understandable

for you and I

interuption

and then i remmeber
what it was like, to go to your second home
i remember, i have the same ways of running and doing
as if it is easier this time, i was unable to cry on the plane
not regretting what i have left at home, or guilt of feeling the need to stay

then picturing myself in the room you made for me
created into only memories of yourself
holding onto that selfish feeling of control
and i letting you control my thoughts

then day came for you to paint my room for me
letting me pick the color and the feel
only that i have a secret that happened the night before
you came with happiness and the layout of what this new room would be
pushing me onto the bed, and kissing hard and subtle
only noticing that something has changed about me
maybe my taste, my body, my eyes
and you stopped getting up and walking to the porch
lighting my cigerattes at the table
i pulled my shirt up and walked to you

only you, seemed far away
just like the other did when i left
because my taste, my body, my eyes were different

so again, i exited myself
letting it all fall apart
only thinking they would always come back

just thinking that love was always
continuously, ending when only i, myself exits
but they seem to leave quicker than i have a thought

so i let the paint sit, and soak into the wall
knowing when i go back, that feeling will still be there

lima, day one

i arrived today, alone and starting again
on the plane, i felt as though
everything was ok

that even if i were to runaway from the pains
at least i have place to runaway too, that saves me

plane to plane
mile to mile

you were getting farther and farther away
even though, you already were

but it felt good, to think i have no reminder
in the mornings of you
no photos
not recollection of your doings

and i was happy to see, that even if i were to look
i could never find you here
not in the streets
the cars
the bars
my bed
nowhere, to be found

and i am as well nowhere to be found
i smile and glad that i can only look forward now

speak

i fooled you again
we find the truth, hurtful

and your pushing the truth down your throat
only to save the feeling

nice dream

have gone

it is alright, when things fall apart
when things mend, it hurts as much as falling apart

i started to mend myself into one piece
pasting and pushing all the spaces together
i become conscious of what these spaces were made from

"home is were the heart is"
i see that my heart was stuck in the past
driving home, dripping and slipping back into the person i once was

i see myself, as i wanted too
it was easier to drink to sadness
bury my thoughts under the covers at night
clinging onto moments that once was
letting myself bring you back in

it seems safe
because home is safe

the trees were bare
my hands were closed the entire time
closing in the mysteries too tight
when i knew the answer all along

hurt me, and i will leave you alone
when it came to the point of hurting
you drugged me on for weeks
letting me call at night and cry
wanting to hear what i should hear

so i let myself, hurt
because this is what i live off of
pain and guilt that carries on inside me

"i feel sane here"

i had to sleep with my lights on
when we were sent to our beds
i had to yell inside to quiet my thoughts
when we were sent to our beds
i had to stare in the mirror and remind myself i was alive
when we were sent to our beds
i had to hold myself
when we were sent to our beds

"when you are crying, the world is going on without you"

as if i am consumed
i want to know if my world stops, where else is the world
the world does continue, when i am on pause
leaving me stuck where i thought i wanted to be
but, in this place, it was impossible to see the outside world

it comes around
and i am on the plane again
going back to my new home
only as the person, of destruction and hurt
i ask, when will this person disappear

having my hands open and my eyes wide
i never want to hold too tight
i never want to have my eyes closed

i walk in sunlight and heat
i look back
and you are still behind me