day two

i keep getting this feeling inside me that i used to get when i used drugs
its comes when i feel trapped or consumed
i feel it in my throat and i feel it in my hazy eyes
the haziness comes through the corner of my eyes and makes everything dimmed
i got it on the plane today flying into cusco

i don't know why this is so hard for me to do
or why it makes me feel tired
i never knew that it was normal to not do something that a person wanted to do

it is time for me to get away from this feeling
i keep praying to something, my god i guess
and asking to be okay

but when i start to walk to streets
it comes back and i am paralyzed

i want to rip out of the place that i am in
and i want to tear my body and mind apart
that is not normal

i keep looking for something to pick me up
i drink and starts again
i smoke and i feel it coming on
i become sober and it still lingers in my cigeratte

it tinkles my thoughts
and makes me heavy
my eyes become large and wander everywhere
as if i am insane

i regret these drugs
because they are still inside of me
and i feel like there is no way outside of them

i can look around and see what i see
and i close my eyes and see you face and then i am okay

but your face is so far away now
because i am far away
what is there to lose
i thought i did enough
i thought i could make it through all of this

but it is so hard
and i am so stuck inside myself it is not funny

my words are not even poetic anymore
and that is what scares me the most

i can not make a sentence without being scared of what it may say
or maybe not even say, if i could say anything

i miss many things
that i can not have back
and i let myself sit there and wait or it to come back
it never does
and i am sad for that

i cry alot more lately
or at least feel like crying
i look different and i feel competely different
the thing is though
i can not go back to the place i used to live
because nothing that i left will be there
or even be the same

and i hate that
i hate the change a person has to go through
i hate not having the power to pause perfect moments or even a millions moments

when we laid under the covers and laughed til 4am
and you played wit my hair, and holding in the i love you
so it would not hurt as much as we thought it would
i miss the sand color of your face
and the perfect complextion
how the bugs loved your blood and would suck on you until you wanted to cry
i loved how you tried to start a fire but it wouldnt work until we poured the gasoline on it, but hat was the best part seeing evreything glowing for a moment
and we wanted to pause because we wanted to see each other forever that way

if i talk about this stuff i am okay then
but my mind hurts when i try to think back to you
i know i know i know, i will always have you

day one

the first day to be in peru
and it is the first day that i dont want to admit that i dont want to be here
but i feel like i should just stay
see where i will go with this revision

i dont know
it is the first time that i find that i have nothing to say outloud
only to say in my mind
and it is a rapid conversation going on that no one can see
the cafes and the beers keep me quiet for the time being
but what will keep me quiet for the rest of the year
i think it is normal to be scared
but i dont think it is normal to say you cant do this
maybe i am just scared

i never thought i would have to put a pause to my future but that is how it is becoming
i miss everyone and everything
i regret getting close to you
because you are all i want to see on the streets
but i never have seen you just yet
im still waiting
i wasted my innocent time
and i wasted my mind on you

i want to go home
and i want to feel safe
i am safe
and i know i can make this into my home
but it is going to take too long
where am i going after this

the music reminds me that i do not know
and i will not know
maybe it is because it is just the first day
and i am already homesick
but i want to be strong and okay
i wasted my parents money and my parents loss
but i lost my everything

and i need to find what i need
and who i am
before i can complain,right?