day two

i keep getting this feeling inside me that i used to get when i used drugs
its comes when i feel trapped or consumed
i feel it in my throat and i feel it in my hazy eyes
the haziness comes through the corner of my eyes and makes everything dimmed
i got it on the plane today flying into cusco

i don't know why this is so hard for me to do
or why it makes me feel tired
i never knew that it was normal to not do something that a person wanted to do

it is time for me to get away from this feeling
i keep praying to something, my god i guess
and asking to be okay

but when i start to walk to streets
it comes back and i am paralyzed

i want to rip out of the place that i am in
and i want to tear my body and mind apart
that is not normal

i keep looking for something to pick me up
i drink and starts again
i smoke and i feel it coming on
i become sober and it still lingers in my cigeratte

it tinkles my thoughts
and makes me heavy
my eyes become large and wander everywhere
as if i am insane

i regret these drugs
because they are still inside of me
and i feel like there is no way outside of them

i can look around and see what i see
and i close my eyes and see you face and then i am okay

but your face is so far away now
because i am far away
what is there to lose
i thought i did enough
i thought i could make it through all of this

but it is so hard
and i am so stuck inside myself it is not funny

my words are not even poetic anymore
and that is what scares me the most

i can not make a sentence without being scared of what it may say
or maybe not even say, if i could say anything

i miss many things
that i can not have back
and i let myself sit there and wait or it to come back
it never does
and i am sad for that

i cry alot more lately
or at least feel like crying
i look different and i feel competely different
the thing is though
i can not go back to the place i used to live
because nothing that i left will be there
or even be the same

and i hate that
i hate the change a person has to go through
i hate not having the power to pause perfect moments or even a millions moments

when we laid under the covers and laughed til 4am
and you played wit my hair, and holding in the i love you
so it would not hurt as much as we thought it would
i miss the sand color of your face
and the perfect complextion
how the bugs loved your blood and would suck on you until you wanted to cry
i loved how you tried to start a fire but it wouldnt work until we poured the gasoline on it, but hat was the best part seeing evreything glowing for a moment
and we wanted to pause because we wanted to see each other forever that way

if i talk about this stuff i am okay then
but my mind hurts when i try to think back to you
i know i know i know, i will always have you